Life happens…we all know that…we do our best to navigate the emotional waters that arise in times that are challenging. Being a highly sensitive person, who deals with emotional imbalances, chronic pain, digestive issues, and migraines, navigating those rough waters is extremely difficult for me. I start to walk on thin ice trying not to fall into victim mode or feeling like the Universe “doesn’t” have my back, as I struggle with abandonment and enoughness and with past and future thoughts. Going there was very easy and unconscious for me in the past…and even though I know better now…it’s still challenging to let go of limiting beliefs and Walk in Beauty in the face of life’s challenges.
Major life changes can be places we get stuck…
As some of you know, these past 2 1/2 years have been the most challenging of my life…during the first year, with in months of each other…I lost my “day” job, was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and faced a marital betrayal. A year later…we found ourselves having to let go of our beautiful Alpaca ranch homestead and it’s comforts. Most recently… I’m moving through what I feel is the toughest motherhood rite of passage…letting go of your children as they go out into the world.
My life was turned upside down that first year…I felt as though the ground was ripped out from under me. I was lost and as though I wasn’t tethered anymore, my passion for life, for my art, it was all gone, I felt numb. The waters are still murky…each one of those major challenges has left a wake that I navigate through everyday in some way…mentally, emotionally and physically. But in that darkness I chose life…and I wear the symbol of that choice everyday as a reminder. The second year was about recovering, exploring, enjoying life in a new way…on the road, and creating beautiful family memories. My journey back to myself hasn’t been easy, mostly because of my limiting beliefs and…my stubbornness. That all equated to my health worsening…having even more labels of dis-EASE to wear this year. I’m still not sure who I am anymore and honestly I’ve come to believe that we are all a mystery onto ourselves. We are more than what we identify ourselves as…more than a wife, a parent, an entrepreneur. Who are we when all those roles come to an end? This came to me a few years back when I started to chose words like, Sacred Space Holder, Moon Whisperer, Wild Earth Practitioner, Creative Gypsy Soul Explorer, to put on my various social media profiles. These are things I love to do and share with the world…not roles and labels that someday will cease to exist.
So, although I’ve felt I’ve been on a healing path for most of my life…the most difficult has been healing from betrayal. My journey has been about healing at a much deeper level…about exploring my ego, my shadow, about slowing down, learning how to just be then to always do. That for me, is a huge change, since I have been doing and going all of my life. It’s been about making better healthier choices and supporting my body, mind and spirit. It’s also about trust…trusting my partner, trusting the Universe. Trying to see the beauty in everyone and all things. Now more than ever there is deeper soul exploring, through self-exploration, self-awareness and self-discovery and I do it all through sacred practices.
Life is always changing…
Up until recently, I always thought I did well with changes. Because honestly life is always changing and we must learn to go with the flow. Being in the Military and having a gypsy soul, life has always consisted of moving, new jobs, new friends, new places, etc. But these last few days have been incredibly hard for me, just when I thought I was getting better at navigating life’s many changes, I find myself on another emotional ride. My eldest son left home to explore the world on his own. It’s a normal rite of passage for both of us. I mean as parents we are meant to give birth to them, raise them the best we can and release them into the world…so the circle of life can continue. But no one said any of it would be easy.
I went through the same anxious feelings 11yrs ago when my daughter moved out half way across the states to start her own new life. Last week when my son told us he had plans to move on to another job after this one ends and not come home (he was suppose to be gone for the season)…reality hit me. Yes, it’s all good, like I said…they are meant to grow wings and take flight, I am happy for him. But the reality of it all triggered anxious feelings.
Thoughts of the past, did I do enough…did I do too much…thoughts of the future…what if, keep whirling in my mind. You know how it can go especially if you have experienced a similar journey, or are, then you know how difficult it can be. It’s like when I quit smoking years ago…I had to take it, not only one day at a time but one hour, and sometimes one breath at a time. Grieving is a huge process we all go through, during any kind of loss…it’s not a linear process either, we weave in and out of it’s many stages. But the key is to keep moving through it…to not get stuck. Moving through loss and experiencing anxiety attacks can be incredibly scary. As it comes in waves when you least expect it…you see something, it triggers a memory or a thought of the “what if” future and you are deep in those emotional waters. What I know for sure is that life changes…life has challenges and there are experiences and lessons we are here to learn about life. The Universe will give you ample opportunities to learn those lessons. It’s when you are oblivious, unwilling to see or are avoiding those lessons that the Universe shakes your world to it’s core so that you do.
Finding ways to not only survive but thrive…
I find my strength though my spiritual practice, though eclectic it’s mostly Shamanic based. In Shamanism, Medicine comes in many forms, the practice, the lessons and the plants that deepen your relationship and connection with Great Spirit, (God, Higher Self, the Universe or whatever you choose to call that which is bigger than you). All this brings balance and harmony into my life.
My strongest Medicine came from a Navajo Prayer in which it speaks of Walking in Beauty. My two older children learned it in school and taught it to me when they were young and we lived on an Indian Reservation in Southern Colorado. This was where I started my Shamanic path many years ago. It reminds us to see the beauty in everything even in the difficult moments or situations.
In his new book…”The Heart of the Shaman”, daily life practices in the world of the Shaman, Alberto Villoldo says…”Seeing beauty is not a passive act—it is an active and empowering deed. When you see beauty above all else, you are transforming the map you carry of reality, and that most likely you inherited from your parents when you were young. When your internal maps are filled with beauty, your outer world is likewise infused with splendor.”
Everyone knows how we can get caught up looping these situations, memories, and stories we create around challenging times. And that dear wild souls…keeps us stuck. Trying to see the Beauty in everyone, everything…every situation no matter how difficult it may be helps us shed our old stories and dream a new one for ourselves. A mantra I say often “Beauty before me, Beauty behind me, Beauty above me, Beauty below me, Beauty to the left of me, Beauty to the right of me, I am surrounded by Beauty, May I walk in Beauty”.
So, how have I found ways to not only survive the dark nights of my soul, but also thrive? With the many medicines in my Medicine Bag, sacred practices like the one above, that help me move through life with Grace and Ease. I’ve decided it’s time for me to share my “Journey Within”…with you. So, I’m creating a series of posts to do just that. I will share my practices and provide resources in hopes to offer healing to those who struggle with Walking in Beauty, as I sometimes do.
“The power of beauty is the ability to co-create with the Primordial Light. Beauty is the colors, the reality is the canvas, and you are the brush with which you splash the light of many shades and dream the world into being.” ~Alberto Villoldo
And as promised here are a few resources for you…
Explore more about the ebb and flow of our emotional lives through this New Moon offering from a fellow sister and founder of the Wild Woman Project, Chris Maddox.
These are not affiliate links…just links to inspiring people.
Until my next post my wish for you today and everyday…May you Walk in Beauty.
I’m currently in two family book clubs…in one my older children and I are reading and discussing “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron. Then my youngest is hosting a family book club for “The Phantom Tollbooth” by Norton Juster. A favorite of my older kiddos and one neither my husband, youngest son or I have read.